I remember when I first found I was pregnant with my daughter. I remember the excitement and fear all balled up into a crazy roller-coaster of emotions. I remember sleepless nights where I convinced myself that I would be the worst mother ever. Other nights I would sit back and wonder how anyone in their right mind would allow me to care for a baby. I have never done it, I wasn't the type to even babysit babies or toddlers. I was sure I would do it all wrong. Other nights I was full of confidence sure I would be amazing. And other nights I would simply stay up due to heartburn or kicks in the weirdest of places.
I had a little secret, that secret was that I absolutely loved having the baby in me- heartburn kicks and all. I loved being the only one with that connection with MY baby. I say MY, because at that time, she was all mine. Selfish yet absolutely true. I remember when she graced us and entered this world, she single handedly made me grow up within moments. The girl that walked into the labour room, was not the same Mom who walked out. I lived for someone else, I no longer did my own thing. Six years on and I have experienced that magical moment 2 more times. Each time, as precious as my very first time. I remember the ultimate fear I had when pregnant with my second, I was sure there would be no way I could care for two as I care for one, that there would be no way I could love them both equally, that my little baby girl would be jealous. This was not the case, it turns out my heart had room for more then one child. It was proven that my simple heart was much stronger then I ever gave it credit for. I loved them all, and sure the love did not decrease for any, but simply multiplied as more people to love one another joined our little family.
Today, As I sat outside with the kids and listened to the laughter, it hit me. It hit me hard, but with zero pain. I smiled as I acknowledged I have everything I want in my life right here. I am giving my best to be the best possible mom I can be to these children. There are days when I doubt myself, days in which I feel I am drowning and incapable of going on, days in which I foolishly feel I want much more in life. The reality is, Allah has blessed me. He has truly blessed me, il7amdlilah. The moment they run to me with arms wide open, calling me mommy, and loving me for who I am, not who others want me to be. Everything I have sacrificed for them was well worth it. The choices that I have made to put them first I would never dare undo. And I know that it was not all my doing, all thanks goes to the amazing, strong woman who raised me to be who I am today. Opinionated as I am, she has accepted me, and allowed me to become the mother I am today. I love you ya Mamati el 7elwa.
Jun 19, 2013