Nov 24, 2010

Trust...

In a perfect world, one can trust anyone. They can trust their neighbour, their classmates, their family, their friends, and just about anyone, because in a perfect world, one human being would not want to willingly hurt another.

But we all know that we live in a place far from perfect, a place where some peoples happiness is solely based on another's grief. A place where one can not trust anyone anymore, because many people have their own twisted agenda to get what they want in life, not really caring about others. As a young girl, I learnt quickly that not all people can be trusted. I learnt that a friend of my uncles who I considered a friend to me, tried to rape me with the guise that only a bad girl would allow someone in their house. He was a family friend, I trusted that he would respect my family, and honour. But that did not happen, thank God nothing happened to me, I was strong enough to kick this fellow out of our house, and out of our lives. I just wish at times that the shame game didn't keep me quiet. I wish I exposed his evil ways, but I didn't want any part in the blame game. At an even younger age (think about 4), I was molested by a family member, that I was entrusted to, that was supposed to take care of, that was supposed to keep me safe, that as a woman you would think should have had the motherly instinct in her, but lest we forget, nobody is to be trusted. I don't know how my post took this direction, but I will allow it to stay that way. It was a nightmare to me for many years, but when I entered my teenage years, the memories came back rushing in. I was mortified, I remember what triggered this memory, but I would rather not mention it as it is of a delicate matter. I remember keeping to myself, but nobody noticed as I was the middle child, and was known to stick with my books and read on my own. When I did build up the courage, it was found out that I was not the only person who suffered in the hands of that person. But guess what? Nothing was done about it. I have longed to confront that person, just so that she would know that she did not get away scotch free. I was disgusted to know that this person was now in charge of caring for her own child. I have always wondered if that little boy, now in his teenage years suffered at the hands of such an evil mother. Again, my parents apologized to me and were saddened that such a thing could happen to me, but nobody confronted her, no one chose to be my advocate. I wonder now, how many people suffer in the hands of family, and its gently swept under the rug, so that outsiders will not know what is happening behind closed doors, and thus shame will not be brought to the family.

Now as a mother, I have the hardest time trusting anyone with my children, I fear that even those I love and cherish the most may take advantage of a child that can not fight or even properly talk back. I know I can not have my child around me 24/7. In the perfect world, I would never have to worry about such evil, but in a time that trust is no longer fully available, what does a parent do? I often wonder how I can teach my children that such things are not appropriate, and that if anyone ever touches them or vice versa it is wrong. My children as still young and innocent, and a part of me wants to keep them that way, to allow them to believe that this world is perfect, that evil does not exist. That all people genuinely care for one another.

I think I have gone too long here, and still can't understand why I even blogged about such a personal matter to me. But I will not hit the delete button I have a sudden urge to, but will allow this to be published.


8 comments:

  1. Asalam Alaykum, sometimes it really helps for us to try to move on to just get things out and say hey your not going to get to me anymore so bravo to you sis. I am so sorry any of these things happened to you astagfurAllah. May Allah heal all your wounds Ameen. Everyone has a story sis so do not feel alone, we all have bad wounds.

    I am the same way I DO NOT trust people what so ever and never ever with my son.

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  2. am a father of two,11 monthes old little girl and an 11 days old little boy.
    reading your post,it seems that the most important matter is teaching our kids to speak of something rather than keeping it a secret out of fear or shame or punishment...i mean i would rather my kids come to me and say somthing that make me annoyed and think "dont you kids have anything better to do??" than not mentioning it and face what kids with similar incidents went thru.

    i was raised in a place that such things also were common to happen,i was this close from a similar encounter but i have no idea why,it didnt happen..

    its terrifying,it shakes down a kid to his core and resonate for long years before he can get over it.

    i always think on how to become the person that my daughter and son come to when they want to speak of a matter that they dont want anyone else to know,on how to make them speak of the tiniest troubles and not worry about being called a snitch among their friends when something goes wrong,and not worry about the threats that comes from an adult who tries to do something to them and get away with it.

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  3. I'm really sorry for what you've gone through. my heart is truly with you, and i hope people like this get the justice they deserve in their lifetime and in the afterlife.

    True kids should never be trusted with anyone. I always think, if I do have kids, if its not the nanny who took care of me all my life to be left with them, then there will be no one who I will trust enough to be with the children. Times have changed. Like you said, relatives and people you let in to your own home should be feared too.

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  4. I am really sad for what happened to you. And it is normal that you won't forget it your life time. So I can completely understand, that you don't trust anybody. Sure we have to be carefull about our children and I am also. This is a sick world and even in nursery and school they are not safe for 100%..
    Alhamdullilah I never made such experiences and I don't know anybody in my surroundings whom happened something like this, but I am carefull!
    I wish you and for your kids only the best and ishaallah something like that won't happen never again!

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  5. I'm so sorry that that happened to you. It scares the he'll out of me thinking about something like this happening to my children. So I Made a decision (only about a month ago) to talk to the , honestly and not in too much details, but very honestly. I told them, there are good people and bad people, and some bad people try to make kids do things they do not want to. They tell these kids that if they tell anyone they will hurt them or hurt someone they love and this is not true. Etc. And I bring it up everyonce in a while and ask them what they would do and hope that it will sink in. I don't let anyone help them in e bathroom. My son who is 7 doesn't let anyone in when showering, going to the toilet etc. And I rely on Allah and pray for them. I am heart broken that this happened but happy you were able to tell your family and get their support.

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  6. I was molested as a child by someone who was supposed to look after me too. I never had the guts to tell anybody because I was scared and had been warned not to.

    I kept this with me all my life..something I still feel disgusted about. Finally last year I told my sister. She wanted to do something about it but I told her not to. This person is a father to a baby girl now himself. I didn't wonder until you mentioned it...that maybe his daughter suffers at his hands too. I wish there was something I could do about it.

    I am over protective of my daughter...and such thoughts do harbor in my mind having been through it myself..but I try not to let them linger.

    I'm going to have a talk with her soon as she is old enough to understand. So she knows what to watch out for, and knows that she can trust me and talk to me about anything.

    The only thing you can do is to protect them the best you can...and when you can't..be there for them.

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  7. Noor- Thank you for your kind words and reminder.. I really do appreciate it.. all these years later, it scares me to see how much I am still affected by it I try to push it out of my head, and I usually do a good job at it, then something just brings it back... anyway.... thank you dear <3

    Dentographer- Awal shay alf mabrook on both new additions, I am sure that you are a wonderful father, and you will do whatever is in your hands to protect your children. I do believe it is important to let children know that the shame is not theirs, that if anything were to happen, they will always have someone to go to. Thank you for your comment.

    the boudoir. Thank you dear for your kind comment, I truly appreciate it, and I am sure when the time comes that you become a parent, you will be a great one enshallah. And I guess its a learning experience to know that it is important to speak to our children on topics that may seem a little too sensitive to us.

    bosnishmuslima.. thank you for your kind words dear, I truly appreciate it. And it is important to be as careful as possible, because trust is no longer something that is everywhere, trust is hard to get by these days, and sometimes I wonder if its ever really fully there.

    yamaamaa.. thank you for your kind comment dear... and I salute you for the talk you had with your kids. I will be sure to have it, I am just not so sure my daughter can fully grasp what I am saying, but I will need to try somehow. And I love that your 7 year old does not allow anyone in the bath with him, I have seen 10 and 12 year olds here that get bathed by the maid, and it just makes my heart hurt, but there is little I can say to the parents to make them truly understand how wrong what they are allowing is.

    Rushes- Dear, I am very sorry that you had to go through such a horrific thing. I understand how hard it can be, and I understand how hard it is to finally actually let it out. It takes a lot of courage, and you had it. Such things always get into my head, if the person was able to do something to any child, I don't see how safe their own kids can be in their care. The talk is important, and I hope it goes well for you dear. Take care of yourself, and always remember that if ever the need comes, I am here for you.

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  8. This is the most critical issue I think of all time. I also dont trust anyone. I know people who are seen as respected men, and have sexually harassed some of my female relatives as kids. Nothing is worse than this. I worry about my children all time, specially that they are very young. May Allah protect all our children from these sick people.
    I am so saddened by what happened to you and rushes. I admire your courage Mashallah. Xx

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