Jun 30, 2008

Dear Daddy

I love you to death my father... time has not been good to you. Things have been on a downwards rollercoaster for too long. Ya abooy el ghali... a7oobek wallah. My heart is always with you, and I want u to know that we are doing everythin gin our power to help you. I love you so much! Always and forver! I want to come back to you, and will probably do so in the very near future. You are a part of me, as I am a part of you. I love you daddy.. I need you back :(
Jun 29, 2008

Endless thoughts...

Sitting down, staring into the walls... Wondering where my life will lead me. Will this be my future? will happier more brighter days ever come? I must always remember to thank Allah for all he has given me, he has granted me a wonderful little baby girl, whom I adore with all my heart. At times I try to remember life before her, and its all a blur. She brought true happiness to my life. And for her I want to build a secure home, a home she can be happy in, can wake up to in the morning with a smile on her face. This home isn't it. Yes its large, its very very large, yet its not home to me, and will most probably never be a home to my daughter. I feel like a guest after 4 years living here, I still no not feel that sigh of relief that I am 'home' after being away for a long time. I need that security, I need that happiness. For all you girls out there, please promise me that you will NEVER live in ur husbands family home. Not even if he claims it will be for only 6 months, for 1 day is too long. I pray for my release from this jail I have accepted for far too long. I was watching Army wives for the last 24 hours... finished the first season, and 2 episodes from the new season.. It had me in tears, it had me smiling, it has me thinking. What would I ever do without tv shows? I would truly be stuck in this non existent ghost home with no outlet to the outside world. And for that I must thank God for that outlet to the world, for my sanity, and my semi-mediocre existence.
Jun 27, 2008

Why can't men just say "Sorry?"

After all my ranting yesterday, I fed my sweetheart, changed her, and then started doing my own hair (Thank God for the Ceramic Hair Iron!!!). As I was doing my hair, my husband calls me and asks me quickly, would you rather a pair of 'CHANEL, PRADA or Dolce and Gabbana eye glasses. I was still kind of annoyed and was thinking of just ignoring his question, "LOL" but the fashionista in me was screaming NOT THE PRADA'S.. lol.. So I calmly said, The Chanels or the Dolces... and then I went on, I want a smaller frame, most of the eyeglass frames I already have are rather large, and it really doesn't suit my face (But style took all the reasoning out of my head.. lol!). Then he tells me to get ready as we would be going to the mall. I was about to say no, but I shut myself up, and said I would be ready in 40 minutes. An hour later, we were trying to get a good parking spot at Faisailiya, and once we got one, we got the stroller, baby bag, and my sweetheart out of the car and headed into the mall. First stop was the 3baya shop 'First Choice', I walked in, and was saddened that my regular sales assistant was not anywhere in site :( I asked about him, and was told he went home to get married (May Allah give him a blessed marriage). After looking around, and checking out all the new styles of 3bayas out there, I finally chose one. The guy gave me a starting price of 1,800. I said NO FREAKEN WAY! I would not pay that much for a 3baya... no way Jose! Anyway after much bargaining, I got him down to 1200 SAR. (Yes 3baya prices here are quite high) ---- I was in Bureimi Oman last week, and could have gotten the same 3baya for 300 Dirhams... soo note to self, next time i travel to al ain, I will be sure to go across the border and make myself several 3bayas enshallah!!!!----- OK to go on, by the time I was done with my 3baya, it was Prayer time, and I wanted to check out Harvey Nichols and see if there were any shoes there that made me smile (BTW... 30-50% sale is going on throughout the store).... I picked up a pair of sandals, and my husband looked at me and said.. I will not pay 500SAR (Sale price) for a pair of sandals made in Indonesia.. lol sooo no shoes today! We were a bit hungry so we went to the restaurant and had a quick bite to eat (the service there was much better the last time around!) After we finished, we ran into baby GAP to find my daughter some pyjamas before the next prayer time came upon us. I got her a cute little pyjama set and a tank top with a pair of perfect summer pant/shorts to match her cute white sunglasses.. now I need to find her a white sunhat!!!!... Anyhoo.. finished with all that, and left the mall after checking out a few more random shops. It was a nice outing... and didn't but as much as I expected to. While out driving, I called up one of my good friends (she has these two adorable twin baby boys).. I swung by her place quickly to check up on her as I have not seen her in MONTHS!!! After getting home, and praying (May God forgive me for my late prayers), I gave my sweety a bath, fed her a little... and as always she rocked ME to sleep... lol.... I love her... and at the end of the day... i love my hubby, I just wish he was capable of actually saying sorry instead of trying to hmmm... can i say buy my forgiveness? :(
Jun 26, 2008

I miss you daddy...

I miss you so much daddy! I try to keep myself sane on memories of the past, when you were there for me, and your smile would give me energy to go on... I haven;t been the best daughter in the past.... yet I wish you could hold me now, and let me know everything will be OK. I wish you could stand guard for me, and keep all those that want to hurt be at bay. I need your wise words to remind me that hopefully one day soon my days would become full of joy. I have cried myself to sleep one too many night, I have left all this pain deep within me. I try to show a photo of complete perfection for those on the outside, but I am crumbling within. People comment on how happy I am, and how they wish they could be the same... the sad reality is, i crave what they have. I want to be able to let all that's in me out. but I can't. I must keep the walls up, I must keep this facade I have built around me. I can't wait to have my daddy back. I simply miss being your little girl. I miss counting on you when things aren't going well. I miss being able to pick up the phone and call you simple because I feel the need to hear your voice. I love you father. i will always love you... whether you are within reach or not!

I Fear Me!

Why must I be a super woman... why must everything be on my head? Fall on my shoulders?? I am tired... I am exhausted... I can't keep up this facade much longer... I need help... pls listen to me before it is too late. I have been ill for several days... bronchitis again... I have no help with my daughter.. her father chooses to play with her for a second then put her back in my care. What happened to the role of being a father... my father assisted my mom with us kids... he played with us, spent time with us... showed he actually loved us. What happened to the men of my generation? Please don't say they are overloaded with work, for my fathers generation suffered all the hardship and made life for this generation much easier. At time I don't think I can handle it anymore... maybe it would have been better to simply go to a sperm donor and then take care of MY child on MY own! I am nearing a breaking point... I truly am... I need to see some light at the end of this tunnel... to ensure me things will get better someday. Signing out... Truly Lost in Riyadh :(
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